ALL GOLF JOKES

1. These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow.
~ Sam Snead

2. I was three over today: One over a house, one over a patio and one over a swimming pool..
~ George Brett

3. Actually, the only time I ever took out a one-iron was to kill a tarantula. And I took a 7 to do that.
~ Jim Murray

4. The only sure rule in golf is - he who has the fastest cart never has to play the bad lie.
~ Mickey Mantle

5. I don't fear death, but I sure don't like those three-footers for par.
~ Chi Chi Rodriguez

6. After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye..
~ Chi Chi Rodriguez

7. The ball retriever is not long enough to get my putter out of the tree.
~ Brian Weis

8. Swing hard in case you hit it.
~ Dan Marino

9. My favorite shots are the practice swing and the conceded putt. The rest can never be mastered .
~ Lord Robertson

10. There is no similarity between golf and putting; they are two different games, one played in the air, and the other on the ground.
~ Ben Hogan

11. Professional golf is the only sport where, if you win 20% of the time, you're the best.
~ Jack Nicklaus

12. The uglier a man's legs are, the better he plays golf. It's almost a law.
~ H. G. Wells

14. I never pray on a golf course. Actually, the Lord answers my prayers everywhere except on the course.
~ Billy Graham

14. If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf.
~ Bob Hope

15. I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced.
~ Lee Trevino

16. If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.
~ Jack Lemmon

17. You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work.
~ Lee Trevino

18. "Golf is a matter of confidence. If you think you cannot do it, there is no chance you will."

-Henry Cotton

19. "Golf without bunkers and hazards would be tame and monotonous. So would life."
-B.C. Forbes

20. "The more I practice, the luckier I get."
-Gary Player

21. "I'm hitting the woods just great, but I'm having a terrible time getting out of there."
-Harry Toscano

THIS GOLFER SHOULD HAVE TAKEN A DROP!



This happened on a desert golf course in the upper Scottsdale area, near Cave Creek, Arizona. He fell backwards into the cactus whilst attempting to play his ball.

It took paramedics over 3 hours to pull the cactus needles out before he could go in an ambulance to the hospital.

Here are four reasons why you should think    

before you speak-the last one is great! 

Have you ever spoken and wished that    

you could immediately take the words back...   

Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....

FIRST TESTIMONY:    

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three 

kids in tow and asked loudly, 

'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?' 

I turned around and walked back out and never went back 

My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.      

SECOND TESTIMONY:    

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. 

I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. 

After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by 

one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. 

He asked if he could help me. 

Without thinking, I looked at him and said, 

'I think I like playing with men's balls'     

THIRD TESTIMONY:     

My sister and I were at the mall and 

passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. 

As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind 

the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, '  

No, I'm just looking at your nuts.' 

My sister started to laugh hysterically. 

The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.   

To this day, my sister has never let me forget.     

LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:     

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days 

and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, 

in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens  

when you predict snow but don't get any! We had a 

female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed  

to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman 

and asked: 

'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you    

promised me last night?'     

Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew 

did too they were laughing so hard! 

Ed and Linda met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her.

When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart, Ed

was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Linda to dance clubs, restaurants,

concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Linda was indeed his

soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed

took Linda to a fine restaurant.  While having cocktails and waiting for

their salad, Ed said,

 

"I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little

serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before

I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only

fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I

watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going

to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

 

Linda took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a

problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being

totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five

years I've been a hooker."

 

Ed said, "I bet it's because you're not keeping your wrists straight when

you hit the ball."